Follow us to the corporate graveyard, peer into the mist where tombstones scar the wreched earth.  Magnavox, Polaroid, Zenith…Ah, I see they have begun digging Groupon’s gra-Hark!  What makes that ghastly sound?!  It is the corpse of Research in Motion stalking the catacombs, not living, but not yet dead!

Get a load of this dead ass company

How could it be that a company whose flagship “Blackberry” products were once an unparalleled status symbol became a laughingstock over the course of a single year?  Sadly, RIM made literally every mistake there was to make, and we will be exploring their terrible strategies in depth over the next few installments of Tales From The Crypt.

Two years ago, if somebody had a blackberry it was a signal that their job was so important that it could not be separated from their personal life.  Now it is a signal that someone works for a shitty company that still uses blackberry.  It all began when Apple introduced the iPhone

“The BlackBerry maker is now known to have held multiple all-hands meetings on January 10 that year, a day after the iPhone was on stage…Apple was effectively accused of lying as it was supposedly impossible that a device could have such a large touchscreen but still get a usable lifespan away from a power outlet.”

That right.  When Apple introduced a game-changing mobile device, RIM concluded that the device was a hoax.  It wasn’t until 2 years later that RIM unveiled the STORM, and nobody cared.  

Two CEOs, and not a clue between them.

Even more tragic was their reaction to the iPad.  Their introduction of the Playbook, and the obnoxious marketing scheme that accompanied it will go down in history as one of the biggest failures ever. In any category. 

Apparently nobody told them that if you want to create a tablet to compete with they ipad, it needs to be either cheaper or better, not more expensive and worse.  But this is what happens when you leave strategy to olds. 

We will leave this installment with Blackberry’s “vision of the future:”  A bizarre mishmash of outdated technology, hideous user interfaces, and 1 inch thick “tablets” of some sort. Remember, dinasour agencies should never be trusted with marketing, and until next time- A bientot!

COLUMBUS, OHIO - A student at The Ohio State University has stunned the campus community by electing to dress as immodestly as “humanly possible” for the October 31st holiday. Meghan Williams, 20, a junior marketing major, explains that her choice is loosely based on feminist ideals and the women’s suffrage movement of the early 20th century. Williams also cites the “Free Love” movement of the 1960’s as a major influence on her decision. “I just think that, you know, it’s my body,” Williams said early Monday. “Why should I cover it up? This culture is sexually stifling, and like, it’s because of the archaic Puritanical ideals.”

Williams’ peers were quick to respond about her choice of costume. Jessica Richards, 19, also a junior at OSU, said that Williams’ choice was setting a bad precedent for young women across the country. “I just don’t see the positive impact of it,” Richards said. “What if every girl decides that Halloween is just an excuse for wearing the most revealing ‘costume’ they can come up with?” Williams’ male contemporaries were less hasty to jump to conclusions. “I think it’s exceptional,” said Brent Gregory, 22. “This girl is really exercising her freedom of expression - I, for one, applaud that.”

When asked about her specific costume, Williams bubbled excitedly. “Well, it’s like a costume from the Harry Potter films, but like, it’s a little bit more modern.” Williams explained that the costume would be essentially the same as the theatrical wardrobe, only half-sized and with a deep neckline, which would serve to exhibit more of Williams’ female form.

“I’m excited,” Williams said. “I think Susan B. Anthony would be proud. It’s a big moment for women everywhere.”

LIVE AUDIO CONFERENCE | December 13, 2011
1pm ET (12pm CT, 11am MT, 10am PT)

In the digital world, the consumer has more power than ever, especially with the emergence of social media. Many companies are facing significant online reputation problems, but what are they doing about it? Many aren’t doing anything at all, and it is hurting their reputation, credibility and sales. This live audio conference will help you better understand many of the current challenges that companies are facing when it comes to their online reputation, and how to turn these challenges into opportunities. The audio conference will guide you through the process of how to monitor and manage any negative press, reviews or online content utilizing a number of different tools. Failing to be proactive in managing your online reputation is detrimental to any business, but even if you’re in this position, there is a way out.

5 Reasons to Attend

� Learn the importance of monitoring your online brand

� Find out how your online reputation is hurting your bottom line

� Turn social media challenges into opportunities

� Discover how to monitor and manage negative reviews

� Improve your online reputation and credibility

View Complete Agenda

Who Should Attend

This audio conference is designed for marketing directors, managers, social media managers, account managers, presidents, vice presidents, analysts, consultants and other marketing professionals.

Audio Conference Details

December 13, 2011 | 1pm ET (12pm CT, 11am MT, 10am PT)
90 minutes including live Q&A
Can’t attend? Order a CD & Manual Package for $149

Learn more about Association of Strategic Marketing membership

LEXINGTON, KENTUCKY - Local mom Sherry Munson, 39, has been on the computer a lot lately. So much so, in fact, that her husband has become frustrated with her Internet activity. Brett Munson, 41, claims that Sherry is “destroying our relationship” and “no one wants to read anything she is posting”. His wife sees the situation a bit differently.

“What Brett doesn’t understand is that I’m using the Internet as it was intended - to forward jokes to my friends. With the advent of Facebook, I can share jokes with friends from highschool that I wouldn’t have otherwise been able to talk to,” Sherry explains. “There are so many Halloween jokes that need to be spread”. Sherry’s favorite jokes usually involve some sort of witch or ghoul, two characters that she sees as classic Halloween symbols. “Have you heard the one about the costume party? Where the husband switched costumes?” Sherry explained the joke in detail to Social Meatia; unfortunately, we are unable to print it.

Sherry has been using several different mediums to share these jokes. She uses her Yahoo! email account to forward the jokes as she receives them. Over 200 people are included in her contact list. She then turns to Facebook, where she can post the links to the jokes to over 400 people. Although there is some overlap, Sherry says her main focus is communicating the jokes with as many of her “friends” as possible. “I just want all the other moms to be up to date on these jokes,” Sherry explained. “There is nothing more awkward than being the one mom at the daycare pickup who didn’t receive the joke that everyone is buzzing about.”

Her husband sees this as an extraneous threat to their relationship and to Sherry’s life overall. “I work 8, 9 hour days to provide for this family,” Brett said. “I come home and instead of a dinner, or even a ‘How was your day, honey?’ I get 16 Facebook notifications that tell me what Sherry has been posting all day. It’s too much.”

When asked for a final comment, Sherry responded by sharing a common quote. “Well, it’s like they say - ‘some women weren’t meant to be tamed.’”

From Lexington, KY, Social Meatia.

It’s a sad fact of life that corporate agencies are barely capable of passing familiarity with online trends, much less mastery. Look at this screenshot from the official Dicks Sporting Goods Facebook.

As you can see, their online marketing agent has attempted to shoehorn the phrase “epic fail” into their post, believing that this will make them appear “hip to the internet scene” in the eyes of would-be customers.

There are two problems with this. First and foremost, the catchphrase “epic fail” has not been “current” since AT LEAST 2005. That is over half a decade, approximately 30 years Internet Time (like dog years). It is the real life equivalent of using the term “groovy” unironically today. Second, they have completely failed to capture the ironic intent inherent to the original catchphrase. By phrasing it “soccer player has an epic fail” they make it plain that they have never even seen the phrase used ‘in the wild’ and heard it secondhand from their niece.

So while this marketer tried to appear “Internet Hip” they inadvertently revealed their complete ineptitude and lack of familiarity with the web. Unfortunately an all-too-common occurrence with dinosaur agencies…

Internet “trolls” are web-savvy individuals who try to elicit reactions out of hapless ‘netgoers and companies. The more internet-ignorant the company the jucier the target for trolls. Here we see Wholefoods proverbially covering their online presence in Grade-A Side of Lamb, smothering it in barbecue sauce and dangling it in front of hordes of trolls

Obviously, the marketing student in charge of updating Whole Food’s Facebook page had fallen victim to trolling and thought it wise to lay down some “ground rules.” This gigantic wall of text is the first thing visible on their Facebook page. It looks like shit. Worse still, it provides no defence against the troll menace and actually incites them. It is also worth noting that nobody has used the term “flaming” since approximately 2001 Common Era.

At Social Meatia, our unparalleled anti-troll tactics keep even the worst offenders at bay. Our “Fear No Troll” strategy allows out clients to plumb the depths of their potential markets without attracting unwanted attention from trolls. Your online image is safe with us ;) Lol.

Nobody embodies the out-of-touch beancounter archetype quite like the “tech analysts” on Wall Street. That’s why it was no surprise to us that they had wildly overvalued Groupon, a psuedo social media site dedicated to bringing local deals.

Groupon was supposed to be “one of the hottest stock offerings of the year.” but their growth has slowed dramatically, raising about Wall Street’s (laughable) 20 Billion dollar valuation.

It seems Wall Street is beginning to learn what we discovered long ago: the Internet is a fickle mistress. What “worked” a year ago is tired and pathetic today.

Corporate agencies are ill equipped to navigate the shifting sands of the web, and their clients pay for it in the form of terrible campaigns. At Social Meatia, we stay ahead of the curve.

International fake-flower-and-Popsicle-stick retailer Michael’s Arts & Crafts Store has a Twitter. In fact they boast that their Twitter is managed personally by the Chief Marketing Officer. Unfortunately they failed to perceive the disastrous effects of putting a middle aged corporate officer at the helm of their social media strategy. Have a look at the screenshot below.

As you can see, the CMO has cluelessly reblogged an obvious racist troll, degrading Michael’s reputation and laying bare the true colors of their senior officers. Perhaps it’s time the CMO goes back to where he belongs: in the boardroom spewing about “actionable metrics,”  and leaves the social media strategy to professionals.

Tuesday - Get a load of this screengrab from Target’s official Twitter account…

 Notice anything? Why are half the tweets Target responding to customer complaints?

This is the public face of Target. Millions of people see this. And it’s nothing but a bunch of spineless apologia for Target’s terrible customer service. It makes them look bad. It makes them look like shit.

Target is a multi-billion dollar company with a yearly marketing budget larger than most people’s salaries. So,why the ineptitude?

This is a classic case of Fossilized MBA Syndrome. Basically, because Target is a huge company, they think it appropriate to work with Gigantic Corporate Ad Agencies hailing from the prehistoric era.

Curiously, in these prehistoric ad companys the roles are often reversed; the most out of touch and least competent members of the company become managers and call the shots.

What has happened here is that a senior executive at Target, who got his MBA during the Great Depression, played a few rounds of golf with a senior ad executive from a Huge Ad Agency who needs his grandaughter to program his VCR for him. Each of these individuals was about to ride their golden parachute to freedom, so they cut a seven figure deal for media services.

The Target Executive was praised for his “cutting edge online media initiative” and the Ad Executive got to boast about bringing home a multimillion dollar contract. He then assigned some newly graduated Associate Media Agent to generate “tweets” about Target’s dedication to customer service. This associate was probably making about $70,000 per year, so everybody wins. Except Target of course.

They wind up looking bad, and looking like shit.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI - The Internet has exploded today with what one Michigan resident has called “The behind the scenes American tragedy of 2001”. Mark Thompson, 53, of Grand Rapids, has filed a lawsuit against the online social network Twitter, claiming that the microblogging service is responsible for the terrorist attacks of September 11th. Thompson’s theory explains that if Twitter had been made available to the public before September 11, 2001, the tragedy could have easily been avoided.

Below: This image appears on many protesters’ flags and banners to protest the Twitter service

“Think about this: if everyone in those (hijacked) airliners could have tweeted about what was going on, we could’ve stopped (the airplanes) from crashing into the buildings,” Thompson said Monday. “Hell (the passengers) could have even hash-tagged with #terroristattack or #hijacked - I think we know that would have sufficed.”

Thompson has named Twitter Executive Director Jack Dorsey, among others, in the lawsuit. When contacted by Social Meatia, Dorsey was unavailable for comment. An unnamed Twitter employee speculated that Mr. Dorsey was “on vacation”, and concluded that the director “might not even have cell service”.

Many opponents of Thompson’s lawsuit cite the fact that the Twitter service “was not even invented in 2001” and that mobile phones were “literally unable to communicate in such a way at the time”. Thompson responded by blaming a higher power.

“It’s not as if they didn’t have the technology,” Thompson said. “I think ( the government) developed this type of service decades ago - look at the type of aircraft we have had since the 1980’s. It’s just a foul shame that the government’s selfishness has ruined the lives of private citizens.”

Thompson has had many supporters come to defend his theory. One man, Gerald Hopkins, 32, of Flint, MI, organized a demonstration in downtown Grand Rapids that took place late Sunday evening through Monday afternoon. “I think people can get behind a cause like this,” Hopkins said. “Private citizens need to know the truth about what could have happened.” Hopkins and Thompson have created a Facebook page, asking supporters to discontinue their use of social media and smart phones as a form of protest.

More to come from Social Meatia as the story develops in Grand Rapids.